Talk:The Depths of Curiosity/@comment-27007772-20150102215505
This is a paragraph-by-paragraph dissection. The rules of the dissection. -The paragraph is dissected and reviewed ONLY using the information given up to that point -Each separated area of text counts as a paragraph -This review is intended for EXPERIENCED authors, so I will be reviewing with the standards I would hold a seasoned, veteran author too. If you are a new author, this may be a bit harsh for you. Don't take it in a bad way, please. ___________________________________________________________________________________ 1) "He". Does this man not have a name? That is a pretty key point to put at the entry of a story. But hey, at least you actually gave STREET NAMES. No pasta really does that. They usually just say "the alley" or "the corner". Tops for that. -oh Well, that would easily lead to national headliners, police investigations of the whole region, him being mentally tested and possibly even blamed. Also, way to rush the plot in the first paragraph. 2) There's the name. Charlie. Started to think he would just remain nameless. OK, writer's note for you. Ellipses don't add suspense, they break immersion. "...." is stupid. Just one period is needed. Tensions should be built with your writing skill, not your "press this button repeatedly" skill. And I hope this doesn't turn into a "mysterious book" pasta, really, really bad. 3) 7:34 is an odd number. I assume that will mean something later? Alright, so he has a piece of the Omega Stone. HOW? That's a very key part of the story that you, yet again, rushed. This feels like the MIDDLE of a pasta, not a beginning. And it's good to have a research section, not just say "he researched". 4) Again with the ellipsis. The rest gives the stone some much needed details but please take note on the ellipsis. 5) The pasta should have been about a long mission to get these mysterious pieces. Simply saying he has them is, again, very rushed and skips the most important plot points. 6) So, I assume this is the big bad wolf of the story. 7) He researched enough to find out it was said to bring peace, but not enough to find out it was also said to be cursed. I guess he just zoned out halfway through the sentence he was reading. 8) Take the stone out of the contraption. Simple. Problem solved. 9) He is truly a completely dis-likable character, and and idiot. A monster tells you assembling it was a bad idea? Throw it out the window-in one piece mind you, so you have to try WAY harder to disassemble it. 10) Visited his family? Are you kidding me? Let me remind you. "His family was gruesomely beheaded, one by one, in an old, abandoned insurance building. He had no clue as to how or even why it all happened" 11) Don't worry Charlie, their already dead. Also, dismantle the damned stone. 12) He tripped and got KO'ed. Because that happens. 13) This could have been added to paragraph 14, not it's own paragraph. 14) You are supposed to press the Enter key before typing another character's dialog, so it is one space below the last. It makes it more professional. 15) Not just any chair, the chair of DOOM. 16) God. Damned. Ellipsis. 17) The first paragraph was a foreshadow? You built it as if it was an actual entry to the story. You have to separate that stuff, man. Also, I hope this doesn't become a gorepasta or a dismemberment pasta. 18) He did really shitty research about this stone. 19) Capitals and stretching words make things laughable. I'll be honest, I laughed pretty hard at "NOOO". Also, scalpels and knives cut into skin with a blade-on-leather sliding sound, and blood actually takes a few seconds to surface from a cut. 20) Oh god, that means he's going to have to read BLOOD WHISTLE and Jeff the Killer! Oh, terrible fate! 21) Well, you're kinda seeing a murder in front of- wait. their was a screen in front of him. How the fuck is he seeing this? 22) Go all Nightmare on Elmstreet 4: Dream Warriors and yell "This is my dream!" before turning into a superhero. That's what Charlie will do. ___________________________________________________________________________________ Short review- Decent Idea, but it was obviously rushed. Remember, a good pasta can take weeks, or even months to write. There were some plot errors, and a lot of misplaced ellipsis. The story really didn't touch upon anything that wasn't done before, and really didn't go anywhere special. ___________________________________________________________________________________ Score- Plot 1/3 Scare 2/5 Writing 2/3 (bonus) Message 1/1 6/10 Decent, but not great.